ROBOT CHICKEN: Animals of the Pleistocene!
by TheInhibitor
Summary: The latest from America's wonderful national parks!


ROBOT CHICKEN: ANIMALS OF THE PLEISTOCENE

EXT. JELLYSTONE PARK

A group of four PICNICKERS are gathered at a clearing on the edge of the forest. A tablecloth and picnic baskets are spread out in front of them. Their car (a jeep or SUV) is parked nearby.

.

**PICKNICKER 1**

_(excited)_

Well, this is just lovely!

.

**PICKNICKER 2**

_(gestures at scenery)_

Yeah! There's really no better way to enjoy nature than to have a picnic at one of our country's many national parks!

.

YOGI BEAR enters from the woods. He is clearly intoxicated.

.

**YOGI**

Hey, Boo-Boo! Look! I found us some pic-a-nic baskets!

.

Yogi stumbles and falls into the picnic spread. The Picnickers back away as he slowly gets up.

.

**PICKNICKER 3**

_(panicked)_

Oh, my God, it's a bear! Try to look real big!

.

**PICKNICKER 4**

_(panicked)_

No, no! Fall to the ground and play dead!

.

**PICKNICKER 1**

_(panicked)_

No, make him ride a tiny bicycle!

.

BOO-BOO enters from the woods and rushes toward the Picnickers.

.

**BOO-BOO**

_(urgently)_

Don't go near him! He's drunker than the av-er-age bear!

.

Yogi finally manages to stand up.

.

**YOGI**

_(tipsy)_

Don't mind me! I'm just looking for the john!

.

Yogi sits on one of the open picnic baskets and begins to RELIEVE himself.

.

**YOGI**

_(relieved)_

Hey, there, Boo-Boo! Look at me! I'm solving one of life's great mysteries!

_(singing from "The Jungle Book")_

I got those

Bare ne-cess-i-ties

I'm pooping on your pic-a-nic —

.

**BOO-BOO**

But, Yogi, Mr. Ranger isn't gonna like this! You're violating copyright!

.

Yogi stands up.

.

**YOGI**

_(points to car)_

Then I suppose I should make a hasty getaway!

.

Yogi gets into the picnickers' car, CLOSES the car door and tries to START the engine.

.

**BOO-BOO**

No, Yogi, stop! You can't drive!

.

Yogi stops and leans out the car window toward Boo-Boo.

.

**YOGI**

Are you saying I —

_(hiccups)_

I can't handle my liquor? What, are you gonna take my keys? Hah!

.

Yogi turns away from Boo-Boo and again tries STARTING the engine.

.

**BOO-BOO**

No, I'm saying you're a BEAR, you can't possibly operate a manual transmission!

.

The car LURCHES forward repeatedly, the engine STOPPING and Yogi STARTING it again.

.

**BOO-BOO**

See? You have to release the clutch slowly or you'll stall the engine!

.

The car engine REVS and is followed by the sound of gears WEARING against each other.

.

**BOO-BOO**

Now you're riding the clutch! You're wearing out the gearbox!

.

SNAGGLEPUSS enters from the woods.

.

**SNAGGLEPUSS**

_(surprised)_

Hey, what's all the noise? What's going on here?

.

Yogi STUMBLES out of the car and leers at Snagglepuss.

.

**YOGI**

_(matter-of-factly)_

What's going on here? You wanna know what's going on here? You're gay, Snagglepuss. You're a homo. Everybody else knows it. Now YOU know it, too. That's what's going on here.

.

Snagglepuss and Boo-Boo stand open-mouthed and flabbergasted.

.

**BOO-BOO**

No, Yogi! Not like this! We were going to create a supportive atmosphere and tell him after the Lady Gaga concert!

.

**SNAGGLEPUSS**

_(taken aback)_

What? I'm — I'm not GAY! What in the name of Barbra Streisand are you talking about?

.

**YOGI**

_(defiant)_

No! No more secrets! Snagglepuss is gay, and so am I!

.

**BOO-BOO**

_(astonished)_

You are?!

.

**YOGI**

I spend 24 hours a day hanging around a dude who wears nothing but a bow-tie, OF COURSE I'm gay! I try to hide it behind alcohol and contraband pic-a-nic baskets, but not anymore! I love you, Boo-Boo!

.

Yogi collapses in Boo-Boo's arms, sobbing.

RANGER SMITH enters from the woods.

.

**RANGER SMITH**

_(irate)_

Hey, can you guys keep it down here? We're starting to get complaints from the campers!

.

**YOGI**

_(standing at attention)_

Hello, Mr. Ranger, sir!

.

Yogi stands at attention for a moment, but then suddenly pounces on Ranger Smith, ripping him to pieces.

.

**BOO-BOO**

_(incredulous)_

Oh, my God, Yogi! What have you done?! You've killed Ranger Smith!

.

**YOGI**

Ah, he ain't no ranger! He doesn't even speak Elven!

_(pointing at Ranger Smith's remains)_

He's just another phony!

.

Cut to INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM

A student — DARREN — is standing up in front of his CLASSMATES reading a report. The words "Animals of the Pleistocene" are written prominently on the board behind Darren.

Darren's TEACHER is sitting at her desk, looking at Darren and appearing irritated. Darren's Classmates are listening with rapt attention, appearing slightly horrified.

.

**DARREN**

_(gesturing excitedly)_

And then he kills another park ranger, downs another forty, and then the ATF has to come in and take him out with tear gas!

_(puts paper on teacher's desk, smiles proudly)_

And that, teacher, is my report.

.

The Teacher picks up the paper, looks at it and then looks at Darren.

.

**TEACHER**

_(impatiently)_

SHORT-faced bear, Darren. Your report was supposed to be on the SHORT. Faced. Bear.

.

**DARREN**

_(sheepishly)_

Oh.

.

Darren's Classmates all giggle.

.

END SCENE.


End file.
